After my 8-week post-op follow up, I woke up with a very painful lump in my neck. Swollen lymph nodes at the base of my jaw behind my right ear. Worry floods in. Is it a sign of infection? My surgeon had just cleared me to “go live my life”, so I jumped right back into exercise. I missed movement so much as I recovered from surgery. But did I jump too fast? What if it’s something else? Should I call my doctor? Fear…it exists to protect us, but is it really protecting? Or just causing unnecessary suffering? I did call my doctor. One thing I learned in this journey, is that there is absolutely no harm in asking questions, looking for answers to help put myself at ease. I sent photos of my incisions and she suggested it was likely a more global viral something, and not an infection of the incisions site. I did get an antibiotic, and the lump went away in 2 days. I now had 2 more weeks of waiting, preparing to begin daily radiation.

Day one: Today was my first day of radiation treatment. I went in prepared to go through daily radiation from September 3rd to the 30th. And the X-rays showed that the titanium clip and seed placement they implanted to identify the tumor and remove it, was also removed during surgery 2 months ago. So the radiation treatment shifted to just treat the whole breast, and not the location of the tumor. This also means I’ll have 4 less treatment cycles than originally planned for. Yay? Is that good, bad? Will they get it all? My radiation oncologist assured me that this happens, and it’s no big deal. My surgeons confirmed they removed the clips during surgery and that it is totally normal procedure, sometimes they leave them in, sometimes they remove them along with the specimen. All good, I felt better after getting full circle communication from the whole team. And happy that I will have 4 less treatments.

As I went into my first session, I was visibly anxious. I tried to focus on my breath as much as possible, to bring myself back to baseline. Listening to instructions from the nurses. As part of radiation you are an active participant, required to do long breath holds to ensure your lungs are filled with air. When the lungs fill with air, your heart drops back in your chest and the radiation won’t hit your heart. I think to myself…“Just hold my breath for 30 seconds so it doesn’t hit your heart….no pressure, please don’t hit my heart, ok and breathe”. As I practiced breath holds while I lay on a hard table under a machine rotating around me, a tear began to fall. All summer long I’d been focused on healing from surgery and had a couple good weeks where I started to feel normal again. But as I lay there on that table, the emotions started stirring. I wouldn’t necessarily call it sadness, but a release. That’s how my body releases emotion, in tears. I hold on to a positive mindset and just follow the plan…do what I need to do to get this out of my body forever. But at the same time, this sucks that this is happening. It’s really hard. That I even have to do this. I know it is making me even stronger than I already am, and I am in control now. But also, cancer really sucks.

Day 12: I’m not sleeping well, tossing and turning. Waking up from pain and soreness. My mind is just racing and not quiet enough to let my body rest. My skin is pink and extremely itchy. But the hardest part of all this has been mental. It’s so emotional. After another sleepless night, my daughter laid in bed with me early this morning and asked me how old she and her brother will be when I finish my hormone therapy medication, which will follow radiation. Her question caught me off guard. I hadn’t thought about this. I paused as I did the math. In 5 years, she will be 11, her brother 14. And this was a memorable moment for me because it was a time to notice and be reminded that I am not alone in this. That there are real curious thoughts they have and cross their little minds…often silently. Whether it’s worry, fear, curiosity, they feel it in their mind and body. How this is affecting them silently has been one of my biggest worries. And it’s because I pride myself in being open with my kids. Open enough that it’s age appropriate in the way I answer their questions, and always so that they know they are safe. I want them to know that I am their person. To always know that when life gets hard, they are never alone. And when life is good, I will always be celebrating them.

Day 22: My LAST DAY of radiation. 16 treatments later, and I DID IT! I feel immensely proud of the fight I fought. Prouder than anything I’ve ever done before. I know this journey has forever changed me. And I’ll be celebrating this milestone for all the years to come.

xo, Danielle